Nearly every Facebook status update this week has been reminding up that processed meat causes cancer (no sh*t, Sherlock).
And most of us know that the foods that are the worst for us, are the ones we love the most.
One Louisiana woman took her love of Jimmy Dean sausage a little too far though…like way too far.
Reportedly, a Wal-Mart employee called security about a woman acting suspiciously in the meat aisle. Cameras caught the 33-year-old woman, Shaniqua Johnson putting sausages up her shirt.
Once the woman left the meat aisle, she walked to the bathroom. A male security guard followed the woman to the restroom. When he entered the facility, he found that which will "haunt his dreams forever."
What he found was the sausage stealing woman masturbating with her Jimmy Deans. F*ck, lady! Everyone knows this stuff causes cancer. Find yo'self a cucumber!
The security guard said that when he entered the bathroom, "She didn't even stop. She just stared at me and kept going."
Shocked at the sight of her masturbating with sausages, the security guard left the bathroom and waited for police to arrive. When the cops got there, a female officer entered the restroom. She claimed, Johnson was still "putting in work with the sausage."
Eventually, it took seven officers to arrest the woman and take her into custody. She was charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure, and resisting arrest.
Wal-Mart management claimed they do not tolerate this sort of behavior. Like all stores, they have a strict policy against shoplifters. However, their policy does not include anything about masturbation.
Weird things happen in the world every day. And certainly, someone somewhere is probably masturbating with sausage. But we aren't so sure if this story is true.
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