On Vanderpump Rules Season 4 Episode 5, James lost his mind and sought revenge on his insane ex by moving in on Lala, while Jax hatched a nefarious plot.
Formerly the "Cock of the Walk," Jax couldn't keep his (new) nose out of the drama, making sure Kristen had it out with SUR's newest server in public ...
Picking up where we left off last week, Vanderpump Rules Season 4 Episode 5 began with Scheana trying yet again to convince Lisa that Shay can beat his addiction with gym sessions and healthy eating.
Heck, Scheana even got Tom Sandoval to come over for egg white cooking lessons!
F--k that, said Lisa, who can only sit back and watch as Scheana tries to replace rehab with organic mushrooms.
Jax sauntered by with a case of wine as Lisa and Scheana wrap up their conversation.
Lisa made a safe assumption that Jax is stealing the case of wine, given that he's admitted on camera to exactly what he's stolen from Sur.
Ass hat.
Jax then told Lisa exactly what he thinks of Scheana and Shay's marriage (something about milk having a longer shelf life than their union. It wasn't clever enough to remember).
Lisa shot back that such a statement was mean and that Jax is to keep his nose- nay - his "new nose" out of Scheana and Shay's business.
BOOM. Roasted.
Arrggh the saga created by string bean British tiddly wink James Kennedy is borderline concerning. James has a mouth on him and has no problem calling a woman every name in the book.
Did they kick you out of the UK, James?
So, James and Lala went out one night after James telepathically broke up with Kristen, got bombed and made out.
Ruh roh!
The next day, Kristen stops by for a chat, and unknowingly asks Lala to go get James - who is throwing back Stellas in his makeshift DJ booth - so that they can have a proper chat about their relationship.
Things get super, super ugly and James rips Kristen apart as he smokes a cigarette in the back alley.
Kristen, for her part, kept her cool, and not because she's allegedly insane. I think she's trying her best to apply what she's learned in therapy and how she's been perceived on the show in past seasons.
Kristen emerged from this battle victorious.
I don't know if it's worth going into the cooking session with Scheana, Shay, Ariana and Sandoval, except that Sandoval was very proud of his omelette-making skills. In the 2000s, this dude flipped omelettes for some of the hottest actresses of the day.
The most entertaining part of the episode was, of course, at the very end when the gang gathered at Golden Box in Hollywood for a K-J-L showdown.
Scheana even left Shay at home to get crunk and watch what happens (see what I did there?!).
James and Lala showed up, and the girls decided to freeze Lala out for getting together with James so quickly after he and Kristen broke up.
Whatever, declares Lala. They're broken up. The end.
Then Kristen showed up, and James wants to flaunt his new lady by putting his arm around Lala.
This displeased Lala, as she would prefer to not be disrespectful in front of James's ex.
You know what? That felt genuine. Point = Lala.
Then Kristen and Jax went outside to talk (whatever), and Lala interrupted to explain herself to Kristen.
Kristen kept her cool, and told Lala what James said about her while they were still together.
Lala, being the only grown-up on the show, took Kristen's words to heart. Instead of flipping out on Kristen and calling her a jealous ex-girlfriend, Lala listened.
James said some pretty awful things about Lala, it would appear.
James then got angry (as you do), and called Lala a "basic bitch" for believing Kristen. This infuriated the girls, who took Lala's side and defended her.
Calling Lala a bitch wasn't going to fly; Scheana scolded James for what he said, and things just escalated.
Romance!
As thus ends another chapter of the best/worst show on TV. Follow the link to watch Vanderpump Rules online if you missed it, or to see it again.
You know you want to, it's okay to admit it. This is a safe place.
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