Sure the Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage and the Republican presidential pool is currently packed with more old white guys than a Bob Seger concert, but all this news is burying the real political headline of the day:
Dan Bilzerian is (still) running for president.
Obviously, his odds of winning are about the same as Donald Trump's chances of being elected mayor of Mexico City, but Bilzerian has two important items on his agenda that we'd all love to support: left boobs and right boobs.
Yes, the man is non-partisan when it comes to breasts, and he's clearly looking to replace bureaucratic red tape with nipple-lacerating bumper stickers.
We can only hope for the sake of his supporters that he provided buckets of warm water for post-party removal because ouch. We don't know if we can vote for a guy who supports ripping powerful adhesives off of very sensitive flesh.
Anyway, questionable views on proper nipple treatment aside, Bilzerian is clearly the candidate this country needs right now.
Sure, the man's got somewhat of a sketchy past but who among us has never been arrested for smuggling bomb-making materials?
And even the squarest politician has thrown the occasional porn star off his roof when he was a kid, or...when he was 33 years old, whatever.
Hey, at least we'll have a strapping young president and not someone who's already had three heart attacks and is likely to be killed by his massive gun collection.
Actually, upon checking his Wikipedia page, we've decided you should just ignore that last sentence. Anyway, vote Bilzerian!
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