Oh jeez.
Ben Patterson had his kid, Declan strapped safely in his car seat while mom enjoyed a night out with friends.
Then Declan got carsick, and things escalated from there.
Patterson, an entrepreneur, posted the one-sided texts to his wife on Facebook because they were so obscene.
"On the way home, projectile vomit occurred …," Patterson explained to his Facebook friends as he introduced the story.
I'll spare you the image of the poor kid covered in vomit, but here's the series of texts:
"So this just happened. I just pulled over and am trying not to throw up on my self."
"Call me."
"I just threw up trying to clean him up."
"It smells SO BAD."
"I'm standing on the side of the road dry heaving, I can't even be in the car it's so awful.
I seriously don't know what to do, I'm barfing every time I try to clean him up."
"I'm puking on some lady's lawn in Burlingame and she comes out to ask me if I'm drunk while driving the kids.
I'm trying to explain that I'm a sympathetic vomiter and can't handle the smell."
"This is SO BAD."
The woman doesn't believe Patterson, and goes inside to call the police.
"Aaand now the cops showed up. Because they have nothing better to do in Burlingame," Patterson wrote.
"Aaaaand now a breathalyzer.
"YOU OWE ME SO BIG."
"Meanwhile Declan continues to barf."
"WHAT DID HE EAT BECAUSE IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTING WHALE BLUBBER."
"ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!!"
"At least I passed the breathalyzer.
"Trying to drive home down with the windows down and breathing through my shirt."
Mom never answered her phone, bless her. Wine Forever!
Declan will not be enjoying anymore car rides for the rest of this year. At least not with his dad.
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