When it was first announced that Martha Stewart would be a featured performer at the Justin Bieber Roast on Comedy Central, the famous television personality Tweeted the following:
"I wonder if Justin Bieber like roast beef or roast chicken or pot roast. I have to bring a roast to the roast don't I?"
In other words: Expectations for the unexpected Roaster were extremely low.
But then Stewart went out last night and absolutely killed Bieber... along with Shaquille O'Neal, Kevin Hart, Ludacris and any notion of herself as an innocent homemaker.
First of all, thank you, Kevin Hart. It's really great to be here. Sitting and listening to you yell your jokes over the last hour is the hardest time I've ever done.
Kevin is one of the biggest stars in the business right now. When he finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget the term for that, it's not 'African-American rich.' It will come to me. Justin, you know the word.
I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out some time and finishing on some fine highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
Snoop, I see that you have been following my beauty regimen. You would never know that Snoop Dogg is 43 now, which is three times as long as actual dogs live and twice as long as most of his friends.
Hannibal [Buress], all night I've been trying to remember who you remind me of. Then it hit me, you look just like that gingerbread man I left in the oven too long.
Justin, before I go, here is my final piece of advice. You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life, find yourself the right gal but she'll have to be someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich, someone you can smoke a joint with or indulge in the occasional three-way. I'm talking about a playa in the board room and a freak in the bedroom…So Justin, my final piece of advice is, call me.
She made an N-Word joke. She made a reference about "pulling out" and "finishing." She made us look at Martha Stewart in an entirely new, hilarious light.
Seriously. You must stop what you are doing and click through her best slams now. She put all other comedians to shame on Monday.
Elsewhere, Bieber recently said he had to learn the hard way how to behave in life - but at least viewers got to watch the hysterical way various stars laid into him last night.
Check out the 27 best Bieber bashes from the Roast and toggle all the way through to see how Bieber responded to them:
You have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn't rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.
Let's get to the reason I’m here: to give Justin some tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison... The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.
He's a man. A full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds and cuts his hair like a gay figure skater.
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